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Susan Steen: Invitation of time to others defeats loneliness




“She’d never felt more alone, even as hundreds of people walked by. No one recognized her, and she began to treasure her anonymity as a gift.” ― Jamie Ford, Songs of Willow Frost

Airports are busy, the roads are full, the restaurants are filled with tables of people. Sitting quietly on a bench, the young man watched as the world passed him by, as if unaware of his presence.

How was it that in all the faces of all the people, he knew no one and no one knew him? He smiled and breathed a deep breath. Here, in a place not so far from home, he was able to just be himself — whoever that might be. No expectations, no judgments. Yes, being alone is sometimes lonely, but sometimes, as Ford describes, anonymity is a gift to be treasured.

One thing I have always embraced is the truth that no matter how large a city is, we can still carve out a small community for ourselves. Finding places to do business regularly, whether it is stopping for a cup of coffee (at Just Love or Brass Roastery, for instance), being a regular visitor to a library or bookstore (oh, how we loved Williams Booksellers so many years ago, and there’s a new store I need to check out), counting on the local shop to know when you’ll love something they’ve just received (Bella’s for example) or simply taking time to know your mail person (her name is Debra) — we never have to feel like a city is too big or lonely.

On the other hand, growing up with a mother who tried to make a mid-size town more personal, my children craved anonymity. Everywhere they went, they felt as if they could never escape people who knew me and knew they were mine. It is hard to get away with much mischief as a kid in such a town.

For adults, it isn’t much different. We might have worked hard to create a network of business and personal contacts but cutting someone off in traffic or snapping at the clerk checking us out at the store means we risk being seen negatively by someone we know. And the bumper stickers that tell people where you go to church or that you pay for your child to go to a special school means your organization will be judged by the way you treat people in traffic.

Bigger errors, like a DUI, might land us in the newspaper, where our reputation is decidedly changed by unforgiving so-called friends, as well as strangers quick to form opinions, when no one knows the whole story.

While our town is not as small as it used to be, it still feels smallish to me. There are perks of living in a smaller town, though it can be a rough transition if you’ve come from a large city. Trips to the grocery almost always mean running into someone you haven’t seen in a while. Even when it’s someone you would rather not see, it can turn out to be not all bad.

A smaller town means more opportunities to know and love your neighbors. I recommend having a dog to walk so it forces you to be out a few minutes a day, unless you really don’t want to see anyone, and then you just walk circles around the backyard.

Volunteer opportunities abound. Whether it is at your child’s or grandchild’s school, a food bank, the library, or any number of civic organizations, smaller towns really rely on the hands of neighbors to keep it the wonderful place it wants to be. Of course, small towns also have good old boy and gossip networks that can leave a person feeling ostracized and very alone through no fault or choice of their own.

Being alone can be scary, and it can be lonely. Sometimes, though, it can be exhilarating. Spending a summer with a relative in another town, I knew no one else there. Everywhere I went, I was a stranger. I was friendly to folks and even made a few friends with whom I still stay in contact, but there were really no expectations placed on me by anyone I met. It was delightful.

Going to a place where no one knows me has become a respite of sorts. No committees, no names to have slipped my mind, and a few relationships that develop enough to have a friendly face and sometimes honest conversation while I read a book or work on some project I’ve brought with me to a coffee shop. When anonymity is a choice, it’s a gift.

Humans were made for connection. For most of us, there is a real hunger to know others and be known. If you are feeling lonely, understand that it’s OK to acknowledge it. When you are hungry, your body tells you so you can do something about it. When you are lonely, your body tells you so you can do something about it. Until we have restaurants that serve relationships, not just food, we’ll have to look for ways to address our loneliness. Talking to someone online is a start if you can’t get out, although I find going for a walk tends to give me a bigger boost.

Caroline Leaf, a cognitive neuroscientist, says research shows that “When we engage with others, even if this is just online, our cortisol levels go down while the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine balance in our brains.”

Reaching out for a conversation through a text or messaging app might be a great start when anonymity is feeling like anything but a gift, and loneliness is heavier than the quilt your grandma made.

Look around. You have friends of every age and stage. Some of them want to be anonymous and others are alone and lonely. (Maybe I’ve just described you.) Be on the lookout for people who are unemployed, elderly, relocated without friends or family, or newly single. Do not use a lonely friend to be your go-to when you have nothing else going on. Ask them to join your family for dinner, invite them to go with you when you’ll be with other friends, giving them the opportunity to meet other people.

You and I might treasure our anonymity, but there are times we must be willing to share some of our time helping others. Reach out to a friend today, whether you are the lonely one or not. Someone needs you.

Susan Black Steen is a writer and photographer, a native Tennessean and a graduate of Austin Peay State University. With a firm belief that words matter, she writes and speaks to bring joy, comfort and understanding into each life. Always, she writes from her heart in hopes of speaking to the hearts of others. She can be reached at stories@susanbsteen.com.

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