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Our old definition of ‘normal’ changed this year




Susan Steen

Susan Steen

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” ― Maya Angelou

The trees sure have been pretty this year, and the flowers — they seemed to bloom longer than I remember in years past. 

Yes, spring seemed to be prettier than normal this year. We weren’t on our normal schedules with all of the shutdowns. Families had more together time than many have ever had, and while it might be exhausting, it also is a rare opportunity to get to know the people around you a lot better. And then jobs have looked anything but normal, with so many people working remotely. Are you desperately seeking normal? What if Angelou is right? What if by letting go of our need for normal we discover amazing?

Today was a hard day, again. There have been a lot of those this year. What began in mid-March as a novelty has evolved into something different now that August has arrived. 

When will I feel normal again? What is normal? The (Webster’s) dictionary says normal is an adjective meaning conforming to a type, standard or regular pattern. As I have dissolved into tears lately with my feeling such a lack of what I think I should be feeling (normalcy), I’ve come to a new understanding, and I am exceedingly hopeful it will mean a happier life for me and for those around me. 

Who decided that people should be “normal?” I mean, there are norms in society we are expected to follow as a matter of politeness and getting along (going to the end of a line instead of breaking into the middle, flushing the toilet and washing your hands, looking people in the eye when you speak to them, and so many more), but why would we ever want people to conform beyond these basic norms? 

Why do we expect life to conform to our demands? Why do we expect for people to conform to our definition of normal? How do we stop asking them and expecting ourselves to be anything other than who they and we are?

I am well aware I’m not everyone’s definition of normal. I’m extra- extra-sensitive, aware, cautious, talkative, cheery and helping to others. In other words, I’m normal for me. You, on the other hand might be extra adventurous, flamboyant and self-centered. You are exactly normal for you. To the rest of the world, we might be a little different. That is a normal thing, too.

That brings me to life. Life this year has been extra for most people — extra isolated, quiet, full of fear over being broke or sick or lonely, extra sad over a country still torn by unresolved racism and bigotry, and extra angry over people disagreeing with each other’s stance on a virus and the wearing of masks.

The temptation is to say, “I just want things to get back to normal!” But perhaps today is normal. As I began crying in response to my husband’s question of, “Is everything OK?” I asked, “When will I feel normal again?” And then it hit me, as it has several times recently — this is normal, and it’s OK. 

I’ve looked several places and have yet to find any documentation on how life is supposed to be easy or follow a certain plan, even within the context of most religions. That leaves me to believe we humans have decided an easy life is what we should have in order to have a successful life. But the moment we recognize that a normal life is made up of good experiences and difficulties, the sooner we discover the amazing opportunities that are waiting for us.

Why, then, do we work so hard to avoid difficulties, push our children to equate success with avoiding difficulties, and judge people who are in the midst of difficulties? Why not embrace our difficulties and struggles? My best (under-educated) guess is it is fear of not being in control of ourselves or our lives, and fear of not measuring up in anyone’s eyes (especially our own) causing us to work overtime in our search for normal.

Normally (pun intended), I try to provide several sources of solid research to prove my point, but I am choosing to do things a little differently this time because shaking things up seems to be a better fit today. 

I have spent most of my life trying to be what I thought would qualify as normal, and it’s been a lot of work. Discovering freedom (quite by accident) when I allowed myself to be who I was one day was life-changing, and I don’t throw that term around loosely. I’m hopeful that by beginning to let go of my expectations for life to be some kind of normal, I might find even greater rewards. What if we come to value life’s surprises instead of complaining about them? 

During the pandemic of this Novel Coronavirus, I’ve seen story after story of families who have been home together. Parents normally at work have been home (some not working) for extended periods with their children. 

While the negatives were easy to point to in the beginning, the overarching value of families getting to be together was something most of us never had when our children were growing up or when we were growing up. The exception to this, of course, is homes where there were abusive parents and/or spouses. That is one negative that hopefully brought to light how seriously people need to make changes in their lives. 

There is so much pressure around us to be someone’s definition of normal. What if today, this week, this year, you and I let go of trying to be and allow ourselves to be who we are. What if we trust our instincts and give ourselves a taste of freedom? It might be amazing, that’s what.

Susan Black Steen is a writer and photographer, a native Tennessean and a graduate of Austin Peay State University. With a firm belief that words matter, she writes and speaks to bring joy, comfort and understanding into each life. Always, she writes from her heart in hopes of speaking to the hearts of others. 

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